How big should a trauma be to influence your life

During a family constellation session, we often look for a traumatic event that created the struggle or discomfort you or your child feel in the present moment.

So how big does a trauma need to be? What are we actually looking for?

I would like to share a case study that highlights the importance of noticing, expressing, and acknowledging what happens to us at the time it happens.

A father was concerned because his eight-year-old daughter suddenly refused to sleep in her room and was filled with fear.

We laid out a representation for the fear, and when he stood on it, the father remembered how he felt when his grandmother died when he was about seven and a half years old, similar to his daughter’s age.

He was sad because he did not get to say goodbye to her, and he worried she might come to his room to separate from him. He told his mother that he was scared to go to bed, but she dismissed his fears and told him to stop bothering her and go to sleep. He described staying awake for hours every night for weeks, worried that his grandmother might appear.

The memory of this fear, the dismissal of his emotions, and the sense of having no support at that time were buried deep in his mind, and he had not thought about them for many years.

Now that his daughter had reached a similar age, the memories and the fear resurfaced. She carried the burden of this unresolved experience without any awareness from either of them.

This was not a dramatic or extreme trauma by definition, yet it left its imprint, and the emotions remained alive beneath the surface.

In the session, we acknowledged the fear, the pain of being dismissed, and the sadness of not being able to say goodbye. We honoured the grandmother and acknowledged the mother’s grief, allowing the emotions to finally rest.

Next time you experience a difficult emotion, or something happens to you, or your child comes to you with something that feels disturbing or unsettling, pay attention to it. Name what you see and feel. Give it recognition. Allow it to exist so it does not need to be buried, only to resurface later in life as pain, discomfort, or illness.

Much love to you, Shirah

*All details in the case have been altered